Enchanting Enchantress Eluzia
A Brief Glimpse

It was amazing to see life return to your eyes for a brief moment. I was so happy that we were able to spare another the pain I feel daily, every time I look at you I can see you struggle to recall who I am. How can I live with this pain yet I have no other choice I do what I must, dying inside.

I have no tears left to cry yet I feel as if a river flows. Some would say I seem heartless when they see me force you to do things. I know you can do this, you must, I have to believe that there is still something within you. It hurts even more to see you wither away, you can hardly control your body enough to walk anymore.

The one thing that was yours and yours alone has now been denied to you. You have no words left with which to say what I see is behind your eyes. The thoughts are there, just the capability to express them has been robbed from you. I fight you daily to eat something, perhaps in your mind it is better to just fade away then live within your fleshly prison.

I can’t give up that easy, I can’t let you go without a fight. There is more in this world for you to see and experience and I am not ready to let go. This may be selfish of me but there is no plainer words to say.

Fight! You must, for yourself, for your children and grandchildren, both the ones you have met and the ones you haven’t. You may not be able to dance at your granddaughters wedding but you need to be a part of it.

There are graduations to attend and birthdays left to celebrate. Holidays to enjoy and every day wonders still to see. A bird in flight, a kitten at play. A butterfly as it flies from one flower to another. These sights are still waiting your gaze. I long to see your face light up with joy and happiness one more time.

Is this not meant to be, I try to accept the inevitable but the pain is overwhelming and I have no one to turn to. You were the one that helped me over every hurdle life put in my path, now allow me to help you as only I can.

I love you!  

*~* TBC *~*

Realization

I come to the realization of what must be done. The one thing you had always asked to never be done is now my only option. It tears me up inside, it rips out my heart leaving me with a lifeless feeling.

It is for the best, this I know, but yet I still feel I betray you with this decision. I must accept that you would actually want this. You never asked to be a burden and you aren’t but I am unable to give you the care you need by myself. I have asked for help with none forthcoming so I will do what I must to ensure you are given all you need.

It is selfish of me to think I can do this all by myself, it is also painful in the extreme to try. As much as it hurts I must send you away. Never far from my heart or my mind, I will see you in my memories I cherish most, and I will see you every chance I have, every available moment I will hold you close in my heart.

My resolve hardens, and the path before me becomes clearer. The courage to walk this road is building in me and my friends support me, help me hurdle these obstacles in my way. Give me a hand up when I need it, a shoulder to lean on when I am weary.

I will do this, not only because it is right, but because I must. You are more important than my selfish wants to keep you here. With the love of friends I shall overcome this pain.  

*~* TBC *~*

Judgement

Well don’t I feel special, should I feel honored that you chose to grace us with your presence one time. After all the times you say you will help and then have one excuse after another on why you can’t help now.

Then you have the nerve to say I never asked you for help! Your selective memory shows only your own failings, I guess it is true that it is easier to lay blame on others then on looking inside yourself and realizing your own shortcomings. You are quick to judge me on all you say I do wrong, live a day in my shoes I say.

Try to do what I do without losing yourself completely. I battle daily what you say is too hard to accept for a few short hours. I live this life because I must, if not me then who shall take up the burden. Not you, as you so strenuously remind me, you have things that need to be done right now.

A life to live you say, why only you? Are other not also to be afforded this luxury of living that you ignore all others in pursuit of. Not everyone can have the luxury of denying the things that need to be done as you so selfishly do. There are things beyond my control that still must be dealt with, I am sorry I can’t bow down and revolve my life around you. You are not all there is in my world that needs attention, you aren’t even one of my top priorities.

There are other things that need to be handled besides your whining and pouting that things aren’t going your way. Grow up and deal with it. When you are willing to step up and help instead of just preaching all that I do wrong then you will have a right to say something, until then we have nothing further to discuss.

Do not ever judge someone on what you think you see, live their life for an hour, a day, a week and you will see it isn’t always so easy as you say it should be.

*~* TBC *~*

Acceptance

I must accept that which I cannot change and this is something that I have no control over. All I can try to do is keep you safe and comfortable. The only feeling that remains within me at this time is heartache, for the loss.

The loss of what you were and how you lived life, and the loss of what can never be now. I let go of all my own hurt at past deeds that no longer trouble you. They live within you no more, all of your yesterdays are gone.

The good and the bad have left you. Only now in my memories do the smiles and joys live. Old photographs you have no memory of. I tried to keep these memories alive but you see them and no longer recall anything. I still cannot reconcile the person you are now with the vibrant one of my memories.

Time has ravaged you beyond recognition, the disease of age has taken its toll and tore away everything that was dear to my heart. I must remain strong, if not me then who. No one else is willing to shoulder this burden, so it is mine to bear. I need help, I am weak, I cry, I hurt, does no one care.

Can no one hear my plea, does no one see my tears on the inside.

*~* TBC *~*

Loss

I just died a little, but i have to hide the pain. You stand before me and you ask “who are you?” there is no recognition left in your eyes. How do I cope with this? I just want to scream and beat on the walls until my hands bleed anything to make this pain in my heart stop.

Please I beg of you tell me how to make this better. I have to smile and nod and act as if nothing is wrong. I must be the strong one in all of this, who shall be there for me? Who shall help me shoulder the burden? I have no strength left in me the weight is overpowering me and its all I can do not to stumble and fall.

Too many are my burdens, too much is my responsibility, I cry out for help and you aren’t there. You made me promise when I needed the help you would be there but you offer excuse after excuse how am I supposed to manage.

*~* TBC *~*

Pain

How can I laugh and have a good time knowing your prison suffocates you. Why does life have to take this cruel twist and remind me with each free choice I am able to make that you no longer can. Your choice was taken away by fate or destiny or however you wish to refer to it.

This pain does not end just because the day does. The old saying pain shared is pain halved is not always the case. Pain shared is more like pain doubled leaving room for new heartache to take its place. I hurt, I cry, I rail at the injustice of it all, why did this have to happen, what punishment was this for, was fate that cruel, what injustice was done that was so deserving of this loss.

You see me no longer, your mind as barren as the desert. All hope of recognition fades more with each passing moment.

*~* TBC *~*

My musings

The pain I feel each time I look and see you are not the same person I knew. Time has ravaged you beyond recognition how do I cope with the knowledge that you are trapped as surely as we are just by knowing there is no chance for change. Things are now as they shall remain. So many platitudes run through mine mind, little snippets of talks we had, I see laughter I see tears.

Each working together to create the wondrous life I was allowed to glimpse in my youth. Now the roles are reversed and you are as the child, dependent upon others for everything. What once came to you so easily is now denied you. The cage you live in forever silencing you more with each passing moment. You scream and beat on the bars of your fleshly prison though none can hear you.

On the rare moments when awareness gleams from your eyes the torment is plainly visible but only for the briefest of flashes before the nothingness overpowers all. How shall I address you now, you are not as you were and no longer hold claim to that title. I want to rail at the beast that with every step drives time onward taking you breath by breath slowly away from me. I

nevitable as it may seem I will fight this if I but knew how. Instead I must cherish what I have left of you and savor the moments that remain as priceless as any gem. This angel laments the lost time as my world will most assuredly end when you are with us no more….

*~*TBC*~*

mortisia:

- Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

mortisia:

- Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

aliceswonderland:

the lure of a book

aliceswonderland:

the lure of a book